Bye Baby!

My precious baby girl was born in October, 2008.

I took advantage of the FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act) that protected my job for 12 weeks, and my boss was kind enough to give me an extra week off so I could enjoy the holidays with my family.

This week was my first week back at the office. I was thrilled to see my staff and colleagues. It was great to hear everyone's holiday stories and New Year's resolutions. It was nice to get dressed in work clothes again.

But I miss my baby!

The window in my office is covered with photos of my 4 year-old son. His big smile brightens my day, and I could just stare at him for hours. I will now further reduce the amount of sunlight coming into my office as I will surely cover another window with photos of his baby sister.

Along with returning to work, the "mom guilt" that I often refer to, sets in. I feel so guilty that I'm not home with her when she is only 3 months old.

I must say, my husband and I are lucky. We have the financial means to BOTH take unpaid time off of work. With that said, my husband is now on 12 weeks of FMLA. This will help us avoid placing her in daycare until she is 6 months old, and it certainly delays the additional "mom guilt" that I will inevitably experience once I place her in the hands of a stranger.

My morning routine has me waking up at 5:30am so that I can hit the gym before work. Before I leave, I stop into my son's room (unless he's in Mommy & Daddy's bed!) to make sure he is still tucked in and warm. I then go to the baby's room, and just stare at her through my tears. I cry thinking that the last time she heard her Mommy's voice was at 10:00 and she won't hear it again for 20 hours.

I remember feeling the same with my son. Or maybe it was worse because he was my first child. Either way, it's torture.

So as I type this entry on my laptop in bed, my son is sleeping next to me snoring mildly and I can hear the baby breathing over the baby monitor. And next to my son is my wonderful, wonderful husband.

I'm the luckiest mom in the world...if only I didn't have to work!

Good Night,
-Barbara-

In Search of the Perfect Child Care

In preparation for our upcoming move, my husband and I have begun searching for child care for both of our kids.  

I must admit, that I become quite emotional at the idea of a starnger watching my kids.  It kills me to think that someone else will spend more time with my children than I will spend every day.  But I set aside my jealousy, and look for the best partner with whom to raise my children.  

Because our daughter is an infant, we don't have to worry yet about things like physical activity, nap schedule, lunch menu, or teaching curriculum.  On the other hand, because she is an infant, she can't tell me if someone failed to feed her or didn't change her diaper all day.  I get knots in my stomach thinking of leaving my precious baby with a stranger.  I suppose when I meet the perfect child care provider, my gut will tell me, and I will have to have faith.

My 3.5 year-old son is the smartest and most charming little boy I have ever known.  For him, I need a school that will challenge him, and provide him with ample social opportunities.  The qualifications of his "teacher" are extremely important.  However, I find my son learns just as much, if not more, from his fellow classmates.  For this reason, I now find myself asking questions about the other students.  Is there a bully in the class?  Are the students well-behaved?  Is the class culturally diverse?  

We have found the school for my son, but we are still searching for a perfect arrangement for our daughter.  My son's school is very clean and very professional.  The school does not provide lunch or snacks, so I will have to provide his food.  What do I pack?  PB&J sandwiches is the only thing that comes to mind that doesn't require cooking.

I wish that the two kids could attend the same facility so that my son could spend time with his baby sister during the day.  But, because of their age difference and availability, they will attend separate facilities.  

So the search continues, and so does my "mom guilt" for not being able to stay home to raise my children on my own, without the help of a stranger.  But thank God for all the strangers that will come into our lives throughout their childhood that will make them who they will be.

Wish us luck!

-Barbara-

"Dead" & a 3 year-old

Picture this.  I'm sitting on the living room floor with my 3 year old son as he is eating a gummi bear (it's actually a gummi vitamin, but he doesn't know that).  He says "Mommy!  Watch this!".  I don't see much happening as I'm staring at him, until I realize what he's doing, and I ask "Did you just swallow that without chewing it?".  He proudly says "Yeah.  Isn't that cool?".  I proceed to freak out and tell him never to do that again.  When he asks his favorite question, "Why?" and asks if he would have to go to the hospital.  I answered "No, you'd be dead."  

Well, since then, my son has asked me numerous times about being dead.  He asked if Superheroes or doctors can make him alive again after he is dead.  He then asked if I will ever be dead.  And then proceeded to ask about each family member one-by-one if they will ever be dead.  I was hoping he wouldn't ask about the 18-year-old cat who likely will be dead soon.  Suddenly he broke out in tears and cried uncontrollably saying he would miss me if I were dead.  And pointed out that I wouldn't be able to kiss him or hug him if I were dead.  And he went on and on about death.  

Now, when he eats, he pulls up his shirt to ask me to look into his tummy to confirm that the food he just ate, is in fact, in his tummy.  This way he knows it's not stuck in his throat and he's not going to die.  What have I done?

So how do I undo this?  And now that I've opened this can of worms, what do I tell this precious 3-year-old about death?  I have tried reassuring him, but it doesn't seem to be working as he has now moved on to having these conversations with his dad.

Well, I must go finish wrapping his Christmas presents.  I can't wait to see the look on his face Christmas morning.

Have a Merry Christmas,

-Barbara-

Mom: Guilt & Expectations

My name is Barbara.  I am the proud mom of an almost-4 year old boy and a 2-month old daughter.  I have never "blogged" before so I'm not quite sure how this works.  I suppose I'll just type.  

I was at the gym tonight thinking of all the ways that I have felt guilty as a mom, and I wonder if it's just me...

1) My current dilemma is weaning my baby from breastfeeding.  I will soon return to work, and I have decided to start weaning my little girl before I return.  I went online for some advice on HOW to wean.  When I searched "how to discontinue breastfeeding", what I found were articles that went on and on about the benefits of nursing and how it is best to nurse for two years.  I understand the benefits.  That's why I chose to nurse in the first place.  And although I am emotional when I think of no longer breastfeeding, the decision has been made.  I just need some advice on HOW!

2) I started by mentioning that I was at the gym tonight.  I should point out that I am not an athlete or a gym-junkie.  But I have been going to the gym since 4 weeks after my c-section out of pure pressure to look good.  I am afraid to return to work still wearing my maternity clothes.  I feel as though the other women at work will be looking at me and judging me based on how I look.  I can hear it now..."So how much weight have you lost?"...  Anybody have any advice???

3) My husband and I each commute over an hour from home to our offices.  For this reason, we have decided to use the time of our 12-week maternity/paternity leave to find a new home closer to the office.  However, I am nervous at the idea that it will be rough for my son.  He absolutely adores his daycare provider and his daycare friends, and they all love him.  I just worry that it's a lot of change for him at once...new sister, new house, new daycare...  Any advice on how to make the transition easier for him?

4) Now that my son is almost 4 years old, I would like to enroll him in some organized activities, but I don't know which would be best.  Soccer?  Karate?  Tennis?  Can someone give me some advice on what things to consider?  Cost?  Schedule?  Anything else?

Okay - so I think I have laid enough on you for one night.   I should probably get some sleep.  The little one will surely be waking up soon for a feeding.

I thank you in advance for any advice or thoughts you can share.  

-Barbara-